Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Life with lost glasses

I watch way too much TV. I don't actually watch it all that much, but I'm kind of addicted to having a set on somewhere in the house so I can rely on it for background noise, and that way, not so much on the voices in my head.
Today, I'd sequestered myself in the den which meant I had to use the pink Hello Kitty television with the little tiny 13-inch screen. (Yes, it's MY Hello Kitty TV, not a leave-behind from a grown kid)
This wouldn't be a problem, except for scrolling through the TV guide on the minuscule 13-inch screen. It shouldn't have been a problem, except I didn't have my glasses. I'd left them in bed. My husband, who came home early because he wasn't feeling well, went to lie down, and promptly fell asleep on the last place I saw them. I wasn't about to wake him up to retrieve them, because then I might have to do something along the lines of a care-giving nature, and we weren't in the mood for that, Hello Kitty and I. We wanted some TV trash background noise on, while surfing Internet news to find the latest crimes the Repos are about to perpetrate against their fellow Americans, or learn the latest bit of shrill stupidity out of Sarah Palin's ignorant worthless lying mouth. Normally, I'd just turn on old crime show reruns, because I've seen them all and they provide noise without distraction, but my husband thinks I need to be in a 12-step program for Law & Order addicts. Not funny.
The problem, as I see it, or in this case can't see it, was trying to make some sense out of the blur which was the on-screen satellite guide. Even with my strongest high-power squint, I see something called  SPIT OF COLORADO  followed by LOOK YOGURT IN 14 DAYS.  I wonder if the Spit is like a saliva thing or it's a cooking show, and there's something on a rotisserie. Whatever, I don't want to look Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Keep scrolling. I see BAD LINIMENT, WHEN VATICANS ATTACK, THE CATALOG, NUKED HER BREATH, ATOMIC BELLY, POWDER LAUNCH,  and  DON'T FORGET TO LICK IT.
OK, this totally sucks. I cowboy up, go in the bedroom and yank my glasses out from under the sleeping husband, then return to the screen. The titles I was squinting at actually read: SPIRIT OF COLORADO, LOOK YOUNGER IN 14 DAYS, BAD LIEUTENANT, WHEN VACATIONS ATTACK, THE CALLING, MARKED FOR DEATH, ATOMIC BETTY, POWER LUNCH and DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS.
Hmmm. Even optically-enhanced, there was nothing remotely interesting. No wonder so many people in town have thrown out their television machines. So here's the thing...even with my glasses on, the remaining show titles were just as weird as the ones I'd mis-read...PREGNANT IN HEELS, GROW BIGGER TOMATOES, CARVE ABS IN BED, BUBBLE GUPPIES, KILL IT, COOK IT, EAT IT. No Thanks, better to go back to TNT and keep the parade of  Law & Order reruns on. Now, if  only I could find a show called SHOOT IT, STUFF IT, OR MARRY IT, I'd be totally tuned in.

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